


the ways we fall apart

by gracezodiac



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Dissociation, Hux Backstory, Kissing, M/M, Prompt Fic, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 11:40:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7572772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracezodiac/pseuds/gracezodiac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux had never made static before. Nor had he gone completely silent.</p>
<p>Kylo hurried his pace.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the ways we fall apart

**Author's Note:**

> hey first fic being posted since i got back from sw celebration nice
> 
> this came from an anon prompt i got on tumblr: "why?"
> 
> when the going gets tough, project your issues onto fictional characters (although in all seriousness if self harm is triggering to you in any way i wouldn't advise you to read. nothing's described in graphic detail, but just in case. take care of yourselves <3)
> 
> this is my very vague tribute to armitage hux and his backstory (thank you aftermath life debt for this treasure)
> 
> i hope you enjoy, please leave comments!

It wasn't so much screaming, but a static that kept building and building, ripping Kylo from his meditation until suddenly, there was silence.

The sudden absence of noise was so shocking that Kylo couldn't help but move from his meditation pose and start heading towards the part of the ship the static had been originating from.

General Hux's quarters. 

Recently, the General had been off-ship on personal leave – he hadn't said anything directly, but Kylo had gathered it was something to do with his father. He could have pried, but there was something about the way Hux tensed whenever Hux Senior was brought up that made Kylo hold back; he could understand not wanting to talk about fathers. 

In fact he'd arrived back earlier that shift, not that Kylo had gone to greet him. Why should he? He had far more important things to focus on than whatever Hux had been doing on that planet for the past few days. He hadn't even missed him.

He hadn't. But it had been boring with him away.

The noise that had brought him out of his meditation was worrying.

No.

Concerning. Kylo did not worry about Hux.

This was the first time he'd sensed the General's mind being in such disarray; it was usually compartmentalised so efficiently, mechanically – as of late, Kylo had been slipping in when Hux had drifted off to sleep. It wasn't as though he was rifling through his darkest desires, it was just a safe place to stay; to escape his own mind, when things were too messy and loud.

Hux had never made static before. Nor had he gone completely silent.

Kylo hurried his pace.

*

The code to Hux's quarters was actually known to him, but he didn't bother to use it, instead opting to open the doors with the force instead. All the way there he'd had visions of Hux laying unconscious or dead, unable to call for help. It struck something deep within him, something he wasn't keen to look at too closely. 

“Hux?” He called out from the antechamber, as he slowly crept into the bedroom. There was no sign of the other man other than his discarded clothing, laying on the bed in a neat pile. The gentle sound of running water had Kylo moving steadily towards the 'fresher, one hand resting cautiously on the hilt of his lightsaber. 

He paused for a brief moment at the door, before forcing it open, ready to attack any intruder.

All that stood before him was Hux, clad in his black regulation vest and pants, staring blankly at the water that was draining down the sink.

The first thing Kylo noticed was the blood.

“Hux..?” He asked, not entirely sure what to do. It wasn't as if his General was on the floor growling in pain but there was a lot of blood, how was Hux not reacting to any of this? Was it his blood?

Hux exhaled gently, letting his head tip forward. “Of course,” he spoke softer than Kylo had ever heard him before, “it was foolish to believe I'd be able to do this peacefully.”

“Hux-” Kylo started again, arms hanging awkwardly by his sides as he tried to work out what was going on. 

“Go, Ren. Leave me alone.” It didn't have any of it's usual bite, and at this point Kylo was starting to feel sick at how _wrong_ everything felt. This wasn't right. Something was wrong but Hux's mind was utterly silent so it wasn't as though he could gather anything from that.

His eyes shifted from Hux's vacant expression to his hands, which had moved to put away a scalpel back in a small case containing several others. Kylo's brows furrowed in confusion until suddenly his stomach seemed to sink as things began to fall into place.

_No,_ he thought, hoping that he wasn't seeing what he thought he was, _no he can't be..._

“Kylo... Please. Just leave-”

“Why?”

Hux finally turned to face him, a deeply tired expression on his face. Kylo had seen him tired before, seen him exhausted and overworked to the point where he'd just collapsed into bed before he could even say anything about the lack of sex they'd be having that night.

Kylo had always stayed on those nights regardless, taking Hux out of his clothes and just holding him whilst he slept, making sure to keep any nightmares at bay. He always left before the other woke up, knowing Hux wouldn't want him there in the morning. Not on those nights. Not when he couldn't pretend they were seeing each other for any other reason than physical pleasure.

But this was unlike any tiredness he'd seen before. This was a kind of void, a bleak, grey emptiness, and an odd sort of acceptance. It felt like death and Kylo wanted to shout and scream in the hope that it would go away. 

Hux wasn't supposed to be like this.

“Why? Because some of us have some semblance of control, Kylo.” There was still blood dripping down his arm, little droplets running off his fingers and splashing onto the floor and all Kylo could do was helplessly stare at them, hoping they'd return from whence they came.

“Not all of us are animals who take out their feelings on defenseless console panels. No, we can't get away with such ridiculous displays of emotion. You're allowed to fall apart like that, you can be messy and loud and public. Not all of us are granted that privilege.”

He wants to shout. He wants to break something. He wants to storm over and shake Hux until he snaps out of it but if he did that Hux might shatter like glass, and Kylo has never been good at picking up the pieces.

Whatever fight that had come over Hux in those brief moments had faded just as quickly as he sighed quietly and turned back to the basin. Some bacta pads and a few strips of bandages lay on the opposite side of the sink to the scalpels. Once he'd washed off the blood under the stream of water (and now Kylo could see exactly what he'd done, the horror that was building in his chest had now crawled up into his throat to stop him from breathing) he began to start tending to his injuries. 

All the while the Knight just stood there entirely helpless. The way Hux calmly patched himself up was so methodical, so ritualistic and echoed so many of his other routines that Kylo knew this wasn't the first time Hux had resorted to means such as this. Which only prompted further questions of when this had happened previously. They'd been seeing each other for a little over six months now, and never before had Kylo sensed anything like this from the other man. He'd certainly never seen any scars, although it was possible that Hux had gotten them removed.

“I can practically hear you thinking.” Hux murmured, as he worked on securing the last bandage. “If you want answers then surely you can just draw them from my mind.”

“I can't.” His voice cracks on that, after having been silent for so long. “There's nothing there. You've gone quiet.”

There's an almost 'tsk' sound as Hux puts away the scalpels and medical supplies. “Pity.” He says, before walking past Kylo and back into the bedroom, as if he were a ghost.

Maybe he is, Kylo reasons. Maybe this is all some elaborate dream of Hux's that Kylo wandered into whilst meditating. He feels about as useful as a ghost, idly following Hux back into his bedroom. The latter had moved his clothes from the end of the bed to the laundry chute. He wasn't quite ignoring Kylo, but it was as if he didn't exist at all, in those moments. 

Was he supposed to leave now? He certainly didn't want to, and didn't feel like leaving Hux alone ever again for the foreseeable future. A part of him was thankful the General wasn't looking at him, as he knew his face was displaying a multitude of emotions he wasn't quite sure how to hide (he hadn't even grabbed his helmet when he'd stormed over here, too focused on finding out what had happened, what was wrong).

At a loss for anything else to do, he simply stood by the 'fresher doorway, watching closely as Hux tidied up some minor things in his quarters, before grabbing his datapad and sliding into bed with it, checking some last minute reports. The sound of tapping and the occasional chime were the only sounds to fill the room for the next few minutes, each of them existing in separate worlds. When Hux finally put the datapad to one side he sighed softly, gesturing to the empty space next to him.

“Get in then.”

It should have been bitter like it always was, but instead it was soft and resigned and it made something hurt deep in Kylo's chest. With haste he stripped himself of his garments and crawled into bed, staring at Hux with wide, uneasy eyes. Hux murmured for the lights to lower to ten percent, and simply laid there, unmoving. Kylo waited a few seconds before shuffling further up to Hux, carefully pulling him into an embrace, as if approaching a wounded animal.

In some ways he was.

With a gentleness the Knight didn't know he possessed, he began to nuzzle the side of Hux's neck, trying to search for the words to say but falling desperately short. The situation and the affection were new to him, but he didn't dare run away now. He couldn't, not after this.

“It started when I was a teenager.” Hux breathed, in that calm, serene voice from earlier. “It's been a while since I last returned to it. But then again, it's been a while since I've been to see my father.”

And despite the odd numbness he was radiating, Kylo could feel the hidden hurt under the gaping void that was threatening to swallow Hux whole. But it was carefully contained, unlike his own conflict. Hux had managed to hide his through layer after layer of pretence and hardness, whereas Kylo's was on display, for all to see.

“When I was younger I thought I could bleed the disappointment out. Now it's just an old familiar comfort.”

Silence settled between them, whilst Kylo pressed small kisses to Hux's neck. He wasn't sure what else to do, but he needed Hux to know that he was here. That he was listening. That his pain was valid.

“I'll never be good enough for him, Kylo. No matter how much I bleed.”

It was a quiet whisper, but it swirled around Kylo's mind like thunder. It echoed so many of his own fears and insecurities that Kylo wondered why he'd ever thought they were so different to begin with. Names, families, expectations weighed down on both of their shoulders, invisible bonds that refused to break. And all they could hope for was that they would be more than their namesakes, in the end. That they would achieve something to make them worthy.

Gently, Kylo brought his hand up to tilt Hux's face towards his own, before meeting him in a soft kiss. If he couldn't say the words Hux needed to hear, he'd show him instead. They kissed lazily for a while, Hux making quiet breathy noises, before Kylo pulled away slowly, watching as Hux's eyes fluttered open to look at him. Before the latter could speak, or turn away, Kylo reached for the bandaged arm and brought it up, so that he could press small kisses along it. A small smile graced Hux's face as Kylo then went to link their fingers together.

“Strange creature...” He murmured, unable to keep the sleepiness out of his voice, “It's almost as if you care.”

_I do,_ Kylo spoke into his mind, not daring to use his own voice. _I swear to you I do._

“You make it sound so believable.” Hux whispers as his eyes fall shut, beginning to fade into unconsciousness. Ren just holds him tighter. 

Kylo stays awake for another hour or so, worried that Hux might turn to dust in his arms whilst he sleeps. He focuses on the sound of his heartbeat until he is convinced that the man is flesh and blood and will not vanish into the darkness. Kylo won't let that happen. He'll protect him.

He knows things will be different in the morning. Hux will return to himself. He will probably never speak of this, forbid Kylo from doing so.

But right now, he is safe in Kylo's arms.

Tomorrow they will face the depth and expectations of their names once more.

But they will face them together.

And maybe that is all they can hope for.

**Author's Note:**

> i would like to apologise for everything
> 
> do i really think this is something hux would do? perhaps not but, you know. projection of myself and all that
> 
> come talk to me on [tumblr](http://www.skywalkeraesthetics.tumblr.com)


End file.
